Disclaimer: Many of you will not agree with this post and might even find it offensive. That is okay. That's the beauty of it all, we DON'T have to agree on everything.
When I was little and my father and I found ourselves alone on a car ride or walking through the city center, I would ask him "Dad, who do you love more? Mom or me?" the answer was always the same "They are different kinds of love that you can't compare, but I love your mom more". I don't know why I kept asking the question. Maybe I figured the older I got my dad would realize how exceptionally cool I was and his answer would change. It never did. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized the significance of his answer and what it had meant for my upbringing and my future relationship with my own husband.
Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our four year anniversary. It's been an amazing four years.
Granted four years isn't grounds for an "expert" opinion, but I have a ton of experts that I have learned from over the years (my parents most importantly), and what they have taught me will continue to bless my marriage every day. Here is where this post turns a little controversial...dun dun dun....I believe that in order to have a successful marriage, you must love your spouse more than your children. GASP! Let's not forget that the two kinds of love are completely different and you can't measure or compare the two BUT we can prioritize our love and frankly I believe your spouse should come first in your pyramid of love.
When I look back at my childhood and ask myself what gift my parents gave me that has impacted my life the most, the answer is easy...it was their relationship with one another. They loved each other and there was never a doubt in my mind as a child or adult just how much (it was A LOT). They never fought in front of us. I thought a family without parents fighting was NORMAL until I entered high school and realized that my parents in fact were not the "norm". I asked my mom one day if her and my dad ever fought since I had never actually witnessed one. She shared with me that once married they had made a pact with each other that they would never fight in front of the children. They would fight in their room when we were asleep, or go outside and sit in the car and "work out" their issues. What a HUGE gift to give your children, to never expose them to those adult fights that they don't understand and that will have a huge negative impact on them as they grow into adulthood. My husband and I plan to do the same.
My parents took trips. Every anniversary they left us children behind and relished in a kid free anniversarymoon. As a child I resented their escapades. Why couldn't we go? It's not fair that mom and dad get to go on a cruise, to another country, to a hotel, to do something fun! What. The. Heck! We were left behind with family or close family friends to enjoy a parent free week/weekend while they enjoyed a kid free one. I remember my husband and I's first anniversarymoon like it was yesterday. My eldest was three months old at the time and we left him with my mom for 5 days while we stayed at an all inclusive resort in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I remember sharing the news via my FB and receiving many responses (comments). A lot of them were encouraging but there were many that despite being "nice" had underlining themes. For example: " Wow! Mexico! How exciting. So jealous. I could never do it though, leave my baby behind for so many days. I'm too emotional". I know intentions were never evil, however the points were made. How could I leave my baby to go spend a vacation with my husband?! Was it easy to leave him? Absolutely not. Did I cry? Yes! Did I think about my son every day while in Mexico? You betcha! Did we skype my mom every day to make sure he was doing okay? Of course! Did I anxiously await the day I would be reunited with the peanut again? YESSSSSSSSSS.
That's not the point though. Why does spending alone time with my husband translate into not being a "good mom" or being a mom who "doesn't care".
The IMPORTANT questions should be...
Did my husband and I need this?...So much!
Had we drifted apart from the craziness that is having a newborn in your life?....Yes we had.
Had we stopped feeling like we were still "dating"?...Of course, a newborn does that to your relationship.
Did our anniversarymoon bring us closer together?....It sure did. My husband even proposed to me AGAIN on lovers beach :)
Did we stupidly buy a timeshare because we were on cloud nine?.....Uhhh no comment.
Are our children going to benefit from having parents who spend alone time together? I would like to believe our healthy relationship will impact my children in a positive way.
Is spending alone time together important to keeping the fire going? Absolutely, and we plan on doing it every anniversary from now until we croak.
You see friends, one day our kids are going to leave us. My boys are going to grow up, leave the nest, get jobs, marry, and have a family of their own. At this point I am going to be left stuck with my husband and ONLY him. If I spent the last 20 years ignoring our relationship and putting all of my focus, love, and energy on my children and not my marriage, I will be in for a huge RUDE awakening. I personally don't want that. I want to feel excitement when my boys leave the house...GOOD RIDDENS little monsters! Can't wait to hang out with your dad and explore the world together while we eat ice cream and cookies WITHOUT having to share :) Slightly kidding! But on a serious note....I see so many moms that invest ALL of their time, energy, and love on their children that they completely forget about their husbands and most importantly themselves. Children become center of universes, while marriages become back burners. It's no wonder that when kids finally leave the home relationships no longer feel a connection (how could they if the focus was primarily on the kids?), couples have nothing in common, the romance is LONG gone, and marriages crumble.
Yes it is important to go out on dates with your husband often. It's even better to go on a vacation! Yes people will judge you for "loving" your husband more and for being the wicked witch of the west for leaving your babies behind. But I promise you one thing, the most important gift you can give your child is the example of a loving marriage and family. I can't stress enough how important it is for your children to witness a loving marriage, to know that dad or mom comes first before their needs, to understand that marriage is sacred and we must always take care of it by spending the time and effort to nurture it always despite how busy we may become with our little ones. Hey, if anything this is an excuse to tell your spouse you NEED a vacation :) Can't go wrong there.
Take it for what it is....it worked for my parents and I'm betting it will for me too :)
I agree
ReplyDelete